Humor BarnHorse Humor
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You Know You Have A
Dressage Rider's TackRoom when... Contributed by Beth Collier Click here for The Classical Method for Bucking page Click here for the New Trainer page
All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse 1. When in doubt, run far, far
away. Submitted by Elaine Steele, Idaho Click here for The Cowboy Poem page
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU IGNORE THE INSTRUCTIONS ON #1. Make sure that you
practice putting on the boot before you pour in the glue. #2. Be sure to wear
gloves. #3. Be sure to protect
your clothing. #4.
Pour 1/4 cup from each bottle into a cup......... AND THE FINAL OUTCOME: Mixing the stuff up ... so far so good. Pour into boot (seems like an awful lot). Try to apply boot ... it's NOT going on!!!! Trying to pry on with screw driver ... pushing and pulling ... HORRIBLE STICKY FOAM IS OOZING OUT OF THE BOOT!!!! It's everywhere!!! I can't hold the foot up any longer ... have to set it down. My right hand is stuck to the easy boot! The screwdriver is stuck to my pants!! Gasping for breath - I try again ... Hay is stuck all over the boot ... and on my pants ... and now on my hand and horses leg! The boot is on but it is horribly twisted ... I have to take it off!! The rest I can't even talk about except to say ... my pants are permanently rubberized - there is a screw driver forever stuck to the wheel well of the trailer - My horse still has hay stuck to her leg - my hands, three days after the "event", are the consistency of hay-infested elephant skin - and my brand new easy boot looks like a tiny bale of hay. SOOOOO - the moral of the story would have to be ....... read the instructions! Click here for Christmas Humor page The Horse Dictionary Arena:
Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion. Submitted by Margaret Juergensmeyer Click here for Basic Rules for Horses Who Have a Barn to Protect page Top Ten Reasons Why
I Like My Horse 1. A horse will never
ask to borrow money. Contributed by Susan Grant An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try." To Right A Horse Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong.
Click here for Welcome to Horse-Aholics Anonymous page My wife has a Quarter Horse, with
shortened mane and extra long tail. My wife she used to cook for me and
serve it with champagne. He dresses better than I do, with
matching wraps and ties. He looked so smug and sassy, that I
began to grin. He bucked and spun, and snorted
fire, then threw me through a fence! He'd scratched his nose a little
bit, and the memory galls me yet...... Top 10 Ways You Know That Martha Stewart Has Been in Your Barnyard 10. There is a
potpourri pomander hanging from each halter. Contributed by Margie Juergensmeyer Click here for Strange Horse Laws page Chain Letter
Contributed by: Lynn G., MT Click here for Husbands vs. Horses page The Truth About Breeder Lingo 1. Noted Judge - He pinned my horse. Contributed by: Lynn G., MT Click here for Riches to Rags page Top 10 Signs Your Dressage Test Needs Some Work 1. Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
1. Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?" Click here for the Murphy's Horse and Mule Laws page Who Can Open the Gate This story takes you to a big
pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses. A question has just been
asked amid the herd. Contributed by: Show me a polka-dot pony and I'll show you a horse of a different color! The thunder god went for a ride on
his favorite filly. Click here for "How Many Horses Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?" page. Horse #1: I'm sure glad I'm not a bird. I could
get hurt! We lost our horse. It got away while we were on
vacation. I went riding today. I came down with laryngitis last week. Click here for Horse Riddles page. If one horse and rider is traveling in one direction
down a narrow pass at 20mph, and another horse and rider is coming toward at 25mph, when
will they meet? The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic
lamp. Mutt: Did you hear about the cannibal horse? Click here for Horse Health Care page. Did you hear about the horse that got a job in a
watch factory? The Beginning of the End... What's the difference between a horse and a
mattababy? Isaac Asimov retells the following story... Ms. Jones, proprietress of a well populated boarding
house, awoke one morning at about 4 a.m. hearing the most terrible noises outside our
bedroom. She threw open the door and outside she could see Mr. Smith, one of her borders,
much the worse for drink and forcing a horse upstairs. Click here for Horse Riding Academy page. A man's car stalls on a country road. When he
gets out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up along side the fence and leans
over by him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," says the horse. A particular farmer was in search of a horse. Click here for the Horse History, Legends & Boasts page Bobby's horse was playing games on the computer when
Bobby's father walked in to the room. Did you try surf-riding in California? A farmer had a prize show horse and every year the farmer entered the horse in the local fair and won first prize for grooming and appearence. One year, just before the fair, the farmer's horse was plagued by small birds nesting in its mane. The farmer was desperate to get rid of the birds so he took yeast and sprinkled it over the mane of his horse. Within a week all of the birds were gone. The moral of the story is, "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet". Click here for the Horse Religion page Two city fellows vacationing in the
country hired a horse and buggy for a little outing. Upon reaching their destination, the
horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour
or two. When they were ready to go back, a difficulty at once presented itself, inasmuch
as neither of the city fellows knew how to reharness the horse. Every effort in that
direction met with dire failure, and the worst problem was properly adjusting the bit. The
horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness again. Finally one of the
firends, in great disgust, sat down in the road. If everyone had a horse ... the country would be more 'stabilized'. Murphy's Twelth Law: Hartley's First Law: Nobody Claimed This Law: Click here to for the Horse Tradings page. "Mother", said a little
boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses." We lost our horse. It got away while we were on
vacation. Click here for the Horse Politics page. Marge won't talk to me since I took her horseback
riding. A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team." The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Ready? Let me see you catch a few." The horse walked to 3rd base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him to throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and speed. Picking up a a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after ball over the centerfield fence. The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see your run." The horse said, "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!" Click here for Horse Races page. Horse definition of Bach Chorale:- Out behind the barn where you keep the horse. A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one
morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on
the back of his head with a huge black frying pan. Boing! Horse sense is found usually in people with a stable mind. There once was a horse named Boing A horseback riding trip had been orgainzed and
everyone was going through the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden (seen?) a horse
before?", etc. There was a young peasant named Gorse Click here for "Relationships: A Horse and The Difference between Men and Women". Scientists recently succeeded in genetically engineering a way to turn zebra's stripes to a uniform color...It is called horse! Lou Holtz (legendary Notre Dame football coach)
told the story of the farmer with the large farm cart that needed to be pulled by his one
horse. Needing to motivate the horse to maximum ability, he called out to the horse
"....on Sandy", and snapped his horse whip in the air; but the horse doesn't
move. Next he calls out "...on Daisy", snaps his whip in the air; again, the
horse doesn't move. Tries "...on Beauty", snaps the whip...nothing. Next the man
calls out "...on Dusty", snaps the whip, and the horse starts pulling the cart. Horse Logic Theory (Simplified) A proof that a horse has an infinite number of
legs: If you are amazed by what you have just discovered and want to learn more, or you simply enjoy seeing terms like: probability theory, inductive logic, calculus -- click here for the Advanced Horse Logic Theory page. A woman was riding her
horse beside a creek one day when she heard a voice call out "You there!.. down
here.. I'm on this rock! " My horse is very polite. Whenever we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first! Click here for Horses, Cowboys and the Wild West. A camel is a horse designed by a committee of economists. A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart, so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse. A horse is tied up at a hitching post. A little dog comes along and starts playing around the horse. The horse gets annoyed and starts pawing the ground. The dog look up and asks "What are you doing that for?" The horse looks down and says, "Well I'll be darned, a talking dog!" Mutt and Jeff went shopping for horses. Click here to for the Horse Minimalism page. An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and
his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. ... and then there was the Amish farmer who's horse and buggy got 5 hours to the mile Old man Perkin's favorite horse was lost -- it had apparently just wondered off somewhere into the woods. Perkins and his neighbors searched and called for the animal, but with no result. Finally, one fellow went off alone into the woods and presently came back with the missing animal. Asked how he found him when no one else could, the fellow said: "Wal, I jest sat myself down and said to myself, "Now, ef I wuz a hoss, where wud I go?" And I did, and the hoss did." And now, for some horse reality checking... A Real Dressage Test: Basic Level
For a Real Horse Vocabulary (glossary of terms), click here. To find out if you're a Real Horse Person, click here. How to make a small fortune in the
horse industry ... I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness...the store manager came and unplugged it! The Top Ten Reasons To Ride
Dressage Click here for the Horses In The News page. Want a stable relationship? Horse owner's Latin motto: "Equus.....Costus.....Muchus" A horse walks into a bar, orders a
soda, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. A fellow in a state of total inebriation put the pommel toward his horse's tail. when it was pointed out to him, he said, "Mind your business. How do you know which way I am gohing?" A white horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says to the horse, do you know that we have a drink named after you. The horse says, "I didn't know that you had a drink called Fred!". And lastly, no compendium
of horse humor would be complete without:
Click here for the Absolutely NOTHING to do with Horses page.
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