EQUERRY.COM - Humor Barn - Absolutely Nothing To Do With Horses !!!

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did!
Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: It didn't say anything. It just let out a little wine.

There was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *VERY* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Mrs. Smiths's dishwasher quit working, so she called a Repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Spot. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Smiths's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spot!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a parrot?
A: Polly wants a cracker...NOW!!!

These two friends rented a boat and fished in the lake. They caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "We ought to mark this spot so we can come here tomorrow."

And the other said, "Okay, how about I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat?"

The first one said, "Wait just a minute -- what if we don't get that same boat tomorrow?"

The state trooper was driving down the highway when he saw a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, then drive away. Two miles down the road he did the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulled the truck over and asked him to explain. The driver replied, "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them flying around."

CNN reports a new virus has been recently discovered.
One person can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious.

The Center For Disease Control (CDC) has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one person to the next. This type is virus is called a ...

Two men are sitting on a bench. One man saw a dog by the other man and asked if his dog bit. The man said no. So the other man reaches down to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man said, "I thought you said your dog don't bite?" The other man said "That's not my dog."

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles? He went to the police and they asked him, "Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?" He replied, "No, it all happend so fast..."

One day this guy answers his door and there's a snail at his doorstep. So the guy picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden. Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and it's the same snail. And the snail says, "Hey, what was that all about?"

Q: Know what a snail says riding on a turtle's back?
A: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing which they had never done before. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off and went up there The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

What is the difference between ignorance, apathy and ambivalance?
I don't know, and I don't care one way or the other...

Why Ignorance Rises to the Executive Level...

Thus Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the work done. What this means is "The less you know, the more you make."

An optimist sees a glass half-full, a pessimist sees it half empty, the engineer sees a glass twice as big as it needs to be.

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They eat disgusting food with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."

Did you hear about the two peanuts who went for a walk in Central Park?
One was assaulted.

THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY

1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3.) "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?!
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!
26.) "Pssst! Com'on and watch. Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!"
27.) "And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient..."
28.) "Your name is Rainy what and you want to do what to the patient????"

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

Technically challenged...

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

There were identical twins, born in Greece and separated at birth-put up for adoption. One was sent off to Saudi Arabia and he was named Amal. And the other one was sent off to Spain, and he was named Juan. And their relatives arranged for a reunion, many years later. It was a big event, and everyone showed up at the airport in Greece to greet the twins. The plane from Spain landed, and Juan came off to the plane, to the delight of the crowd. And they waited for the plane from Saudi Arabia, and soon it arrived, but Amal wasn't there-he'd missed the plane. And one relative said to the other, "Well, they are identical twins. And if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Two ropes go into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out of here. We don't serve ropes in here." The ropes go outside and one says to the other, "I have an idea." He ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey. No ropes." The rope says, "I'm not a rope." The bartender says, "You're not a rope?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!", says the guy. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

As he him his drink, the bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

As the bartender serves another drink he says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

REAL BUSINESS SIGNS:

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarian's Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: Out for a quick byte,

Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man ... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Born Motherless and Fatherless,
Into this world without a sin
Made a load roar as I entered
And never spoke again.
.
.
.
Answer: Thunder.

Son: Dad, I'm going to a party; would you do my homework for me?
Dad: I'm sorry, kid, but it just wouldn't be right.
Son: Well, maybe not; but give it a try anyway.

YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN..........

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
You put both contacts in the same eye.
Your mother approves of the guy you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
The Gypsy fortuneteller offers to refund your money.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 35.
You call your mom and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, there's a sandwich on the front porch.

Two farmers were at a sale.
The first said, "I don't know whether to buy a cow or a bicycle."
The second replied, "You'd look funny riding that cow through town."
The first answered, "Not half as funny as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle."

Did you hear about the young man that went to library and checked out a book called, "How to Hug"? Well, he got home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat. She replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "How many were boys?"
      A: "None."
      Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
      A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
      Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
      A: "By death."
      Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
      Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
      A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
      A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
      Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
      A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
      A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
      A: "I have been since early childhood

Can you say "Richard and Robert had a rabbit without using the "r" word?
I don't think so, can you?
Sure, Dick and Bob had a bunny.

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week...
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist.

Bob and Betty had been waiting at the restaurant for almost an hour for the fish they had ordered. When the waiter finally came to the table and announced that the fish would soon be ready, Bob asked, "Tell me, waiter, just what kind of bait are you using?"

A man walks into a restaurant and asks the cook, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook says, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1942."

"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

This duck walks into a general store, sees a guy with a name tag that says "Manager," walks over to him and says, "Got any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't and we don't allow ducks in here, so get out!" So the duck leaves. The next day, the same duck comes in, walks up to the manager and says, "Got any duck food?" The manager say, "No, and if you come in here again, I'm going to nail your little wet feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The very next day, the same duck comes back into the store, goes up to the manager and says, "Got any nails?" And the manager says, "No, why?" And the duck says, "Got any duck food?"

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever. So he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath. Then he blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. uh.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....

"STRANGE OLD LADY"
By Rose Madeline Mula
RMMula@aol.com

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.

She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look into a mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting.

I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She's really rather frightening. If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars, and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it.

You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it. And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff --ice cream, cookies, candy � I just can't keep them in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She also gets into my closets when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every day. Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers on my desk. I can't find a thing any more. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized; but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets to my newspapers, magazines and mail before me� and blurs all the print; and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio, and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of. Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night. More than once her snoring has awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very unattractive. As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the house.

She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me wherever I go. I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit� which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just as the shutter clicked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that old crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back a month later to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times.

One night a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey, There were 5 people on board; the pilot, the world's greatest athlete, The world's smartest person, the Pope, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment and the passenger cabin began to filled with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Ladies & Gentlemen, I have good news & bad news. The bad news is we're about to crash. The good news is that there are 4 parachutes & I have one of them."

The world's greatest athlete was on his feet in a flash. "Hey guys" he said "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes & hurtled through the door & into the night.

The world's smartest person rose and said "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest woman. The world needs smart women to lead all you little people, because you miserable scum do not have the brains to do so. The world's smartest woman should have a parachute too." She grabbed one, and out she jumped. The Pope and the hippie looked at one another.

Finally the Pope spoke, "My son, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of the True God every day at Mass. You have your life ahead of you; you take the last parachute and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said "Hey, don't worry, Pope, The world's smartest person just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Did you hear about the man who was in love with his tractor?
He went to war and two weeks later received a John Deere letter.

A young girl, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The girl said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the girl came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the girl answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the girl added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

An old rancher out west hated wearing a seat belt. One day he's driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state patrol car behind him. He says to his wife, "Quick, take the wheel! I gotta put my seat belt on!" So she does, and right then the patrolman pulls them over. He walks up to the car and he says, "Sir, I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt." The rancher says, "I was too, but you don't have to take my word for it...my wife here is a good Christian woman, ask her. She'll tell you the truth. She doesn't lie about anything." The cop says to the wife, "So, how about it, ma'am?" And the wife says: "Officer, I've been married to Buck for twenty years, and one thing I've learned in all that time is this: you never argue with him when he's drunk."

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak;-it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, often in retrospect).

An international law firm advertised for a secretary. One day, a golden retriever comes in and she passes the typing test and in the interview. The personnel manager says, "But how about foreign languages?" and the golden retriever says, "Meow."

A surgeon, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest. The doctor said, "Well, on the fifth day of Creation, God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession." The engineer said, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos, so engineering is the oldest profession." And the lawyer said, "Yes, but who created the chaos?"

Q. Why didn't the skeleton want to cross the road?
A. Because he didn't have the guts to.

Q: Why did the gum cross the road?
A: Because it was on the chicken's foot.

Twelve tips from junior employees to senior managers on how to enhance their relationship:

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

How To Tell You're Bored At Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of paper clips has overrun the Pushpin infantry and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster...faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws cough drops at the coffin..., and of course..., the coffin stops!

Q: What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A: A penguin rolling down the hill.

This guy's father dies and he tells the undertaker he wants to give Dad the very best. So,they have the funeral and the undertaker sends him a bill for $18,000. He pays it. And a month later he gets a bill for $95, which he pays, and the next month there's another $95 bill, and the next month, and finally the guy calls up the undertaker and the undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your dad. So I rented him a tux."

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. Just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. Just don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

The orchestra was playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in the park on a windy day. The basses were idle during the first two movements, since they only have parts at the last movement. They decided to wander across the street to a bar for a drink. It was so windy that they had to tie down their music with pieces of string before they left. They had one drink after another before someone thought it was time to head back to play. Obviously they were in no condition to perform. It was then that the conductor realized with alarm that it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied!

A down-and-out looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqu�."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. As the bartender serves another drink he says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Submitted via Usenet by David Lawrence

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin >banging its way down the middle of the street toward him ... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster...faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws cough drops at the coffin..., and of course..., the coffin stops!

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

Have to go now, we are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Timmy

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his Life Science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Ummm... So far so good ... maybe.........

Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Saul.
Saul who?
Saul there is; there ain't no more.